“You need to respect my boundaries” is a very common yet misleading statement. Boundaries are extremely popular these days and a highly important, but often misunderstood tool. Boundaries are not expectations for other people’s behavior. Boundaries are about what you are going to do if and when certain things happen. Rules are what you want other people to do or not do.
So for example, if you’re visiting family and you don’t want people to comment on what you eat, a boundary is deciding that if someone comments on your food, you are going to change the subject. You might have layers to it:
- The first time someone comments on my eating, I’m going to change the subject.
- Second time, I’m going to push back and ask them why they are bringing it up.
- Third time I’m going to let them know their comments aren’t welcome.
- Fourth time – I’m outta there
Boundaries are about drawing a line for yourself and a plan for what you’ll do if your boundary is crossed. You can tell this intention and plan to your family or not, depending on what you think would be helpful.
In contrast, A rule might be announcing to your family: “No one is allowed to talk about what I eat!” and then punishing them when and if they violate that rule. As you can see from this example, boundaries are much more of an internal planning tool for what you will accept and what you won’t.
Boundaries are tough and important. I’ve been working on them for years and still feel like I have a ways to go. Like the eternal struggle with the mess the kids make in the house. I have rules for them: by the end of the day you need to complete your chores and put away your personal items. I have boundaries about it: if they are running late and don’t finish their morning chores, I won’t do their chores for them. I will leave it undone until they return. Except when I’m fed up or I’m sympathetic to their plight and I empty the dishwasher right after they walk out the door. Boundaries are tricky!
Despite all the value boundary work brings to our lives, I think there’s two things missing in all the advice and stories around boundaries are all over my social media pages:
- There’s a difference between asserting boundaries in a toxic relationship and a healthy relationship.
Like most things people learn, they start out with the biggest, strongest, simplest version of the behavior. Like setting a firm boundary with a parent and going no contact long term when they ignore it. In a toxic relationship, this can be the healthiest and most important thing to do. It’s tough but you have to hold firm so you can survive.
The most effective strategy I’ve learned in dealing with toxic people, when cutting them off entirely isn’t an option, is one my lawyer recommended to me for dealing with high conflict people: The BIFF Method created by Bill Eddy, LCSW, Esq.
- BRIEF: Keep it short, don’t feed the fire
- INFORMATIVE: Stick to the facts
- FRIENDLY: Keep a light, casual tone
- FIRM: End the conversation or point to the ending with a clear plan or options
This is particularly helpful over text and email. After receiving an upsetting emailI, I used to perseverate for days over what to say and how to make my feelings and position clear and irrefutable. It almost never worked and sucked away my precious time and energy. Now I can write out whatever heartfelt diatribe I want. But I don’t send it. I get my feelings out to trusted confidants and then put together a BIFF response.
On the other hand, in a healthy, or relatively healthy relationship, cutting someone out of your life forever because of a broken boundary is too extreme. Especially in our modern loneliness epidemic. In healthy relationships boundaries can be taught, shared, learned, negotiated and revised. There’s a complimentary skill needed in tandem with boundaries:
2. Repair.
Dr. Becky Kennedy, a top thought leader on modern parenting says in her TED talk “Whenever a parent asks me, ‘What one parenting strategy should I focus on?’ I always say the same thing: ‘Get good at repair.’
So what is repair? Repair is the act of going back to a moment of disconnection. Taking responsibility for your behavior and acknowledging the impact it had on another. And I want to differentiate a repair from an apology, because when an apology often looks to shut a conversation down — ‘Hey, I’m sorry I yelled. Can we move on now?’ — a good repair opens one up.”
So I say, yes, work on your boundaries. But also work on your repair. Together they can help make your relationships and you stronger.
